The Covington Quibbler    April 11, 2016

Governor Matt Blevin revealed today that his proposed cuts to higher education are actually part of long-term plan known as the Planning for Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse, or PIZA.

“Look, it’s pretty simple. Zombies eat brains, right? My budget cuts to higher ed will make sure that Kentucky brains just aren’t that nourishing. Once the zombies try a few, they’ll want to move on to Ohio and other states. Though I’m not sure about Tennessee.”

His next steps as governor will be to continue to make teaching a horrible, underpaid profession with no retirement funds so that all teachers will leave the state, making it even more undesirable for zombies to feed in Kentucky. 

“Look, I know I’m safe from zombies but I want to make sure all Kentuckians have a similar chance at survival,” the governor said.